The friend I want to be.

As adults we really like to complicate things.

For me, ¬†I overthink. I over-analyze. & I’ll be honest…sometimes I’m just a tinch dramatic (blaming my latina jeans on that one ūüėČ

When something is bringing me down it sits inside of me and stirs up havoc. It consumes my thoughts and sends my stomach into knots. You can ask my husband. I need to talk it out. Oftentimes just someone to listen to me and hear me out. 99.9% of the time that’s him, because he’s my person. He always will be. No matter how hard I wish I could be the person to just dismiss problems or concerns ¬†that’ll never be who I am & I wouldn’t be me if I could. I wouldn’t care so deeply, continuously commit, and I couldn’t invest so thoroughly in¬†friendships if I could just dismiss problems. That isn’t who I am and that wasn’t how I was made. When things seem to spin out of control I realize that’s because it’s me trying to control everything & I’m trying to figure it all out rather than stepping back & giving it up to God. We silly humans try to control it all. Society tells us we can get it if we want it…just work harder. Before I get ahead of myself let me backup for a hot second.

We all need “our people.” The ones who would be there in the middle of the night no questions asked. The ones who don’t make you feel like a burden to them. The ones who’ll pull through and root for you in the crappy¬†times & the joyous¬†¬†moments that life will bring. The ones who’ll be there when you’re away & when you’re near. In 5 years & in 30. The ones who will call you out, push you, cheer¬†you on, and hold you when you need it. Who’ll show up with wine or treats when you need it most. ¬†You know those people I’m talking about. When you find them hold onto them, because gosh darn it they make life so beautiful.

I’ve been trying to control things that are uncontrollable. I’ve been neglecting the most important relationship & the entire reason of my existence. My relationship with the Lord. ¬†I haven’t been the friend that I want to be. I haven’t talked & I definitely haven’t listened. Let alone read the words that he has given me. Time and time again I’m going to fall short & God’s gonna be there in the middle of the night. He’s gonna show up and hold me when it’s hard. He’s listening & he’s talking. He’ll be there for eternity. He calls me out, pushes me, fulfills me, gives me purpose beyond belief. He loves me more than any human or friend ever will. He’s rooting for me. He’s the friend I’m talking about & that’s the kind of love I want to be. That’s the kind of love that I want to give to others.

We overthink. We over-analyze. & let’s be honest we can all be a bit dramatic in our own silly ways. The past 11 days we’ve been surrounded by love in the form of small moments with friends. In these moments I’ve never seen God more¬†clearly. I feel him holding me. ¬†Lifting me up. Showing up. Pulling through. Reminding me that in every moment he’s right here. Finally, I feel the knots unraveling & my thoughts being freed.

That’s the kind of friend I want to be.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” -John 14:27